Attack of the Evange-hellicals: Part 21

Episode Twenty One: Return of the Anti-Flea Sauce

“Welcome to the first ever live telecast of the Zack O’Rourke show. Folks, you already know what’s going on, because WOLF Television Network has been plugging my show all week. Back again is our guest, Bishop Lionel Daniel. Depending on who you talk to, the Bishop is either a universalist, a Biblical fundamentalist, pro-gay, anti-gay, a liar–or a man who wants to make right a mistake he has made.”

Zack O’Rourke paused thoughtfully. “Gay activist Mike Minor could not be reached. In fact, Minor cannot be found. Believe me, folks, if I could have gotten him on this show, I would have. So, Bishop Lionel Daniel, welcome back.”

Bishop Daniel simply nodded.

“The last time you were here resulted in our highest ratings ever. Mike Minor, I have to be honest here, he tore you up, Bishop. That show has been called–and I don’t necessarily agree with this–a symbol of the rising ‘Big Tent’ Christianity.”

“Which is not Christianity at all,” answered Bishop Lionel Daniel softly.

A master of timing, O’Rourke let that statement hang there, then asked, “So what you are thinking right now?”

“Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight.”

“That’s one of the Psalms?”

“That is Psalm 144:1, Zack.”

“A man of God in a fighting mood?” O’Rourke looked out at the audience. “Folks, this is gonna be a good one, even without Mike Minor here. As the first live audience in the history of the Zack O’Rourke show, you will get the opportunity to ask Bishop Daniel questions. Are you ready for that, Bishop?”

“I am very grateful to have the opportunity. But this isn’t my battle. This is the Lord’s.”

As these words were spoken, the staff gathered around the big screen TV at the Gay Equality Foundation in Washington, D.C., began to boo. “Quiet! Quiet now!” ordered CEO Calvin Fillertson. “Let’s hear what he has to say.”

Fillertson was no Mike Minor, but he had managed to plant sixty two supporters into O’Rourke’s live studio audience in New York.

In Seattle, Washington, the massive Bob Hanratty continued to limp back and forth, back and forth, interceding for Bishop Lionel Daniel. He could hear the O’Rourke show blaring upstairs.

He heard O’Rourke say, “Before we go any further into this mystery, this mess, I want to tell you about our new product. Folks, this bottle I am holding up is Bob Hanratty’s Anti-Flea Sauce. This concoction is guaranteed–I said guaranteed–to rid your pets of fleas.”

Upstairs, Hanratty’s landlord looked at his wife in astonishment. His mouth opened but nothing came out. His wife spluttered, “Not our Bob Hanratty? But it has to be. He puts out that two page Fleas and Pets Newsletter.”

“Shhh!!” Her husband pointed to the television. Zack O’Rourke smiled and said, “Believe it or not, folks, this same Bob Hanratty tried to warn Bishop Lionel Daniel about the Declaration of Courtesy, and that is how I got to know him.”

The landlord and his wife stared at each other. “Zack O’Rourke knows our tenant?”

Amazed, the landlord walked over and opened the door to the basement where Hanratty lived. “Bob,” he called from the top of the stairs, “Zack O’Rourke is talking about you!”

“Hey, close the door willya, I’m praying down here,” growled Hanratty.

The landlord slammed shut the door and walked back over to the sofa. “He can be such a jerk sometimes.”

“Yes, but he’s our jerk. Now he’s our famous jerk,” marveled his wife.

To be continued…
copyright 2010 John Lanagan
(This is a work of fiction, and all characters are fictitious)

*Bob Hanratty was last seen in Episode Nineteen: Evange-hellicals and People of the Book

*Bonus! The Anti-Flea Sauce can first be found in Episode Fifteen and one half: Fleas and heretics

Episodes of Attack of the Evange-hellicals:

1. How to silence the black Bishop: HERE

2. The Bishop and the televised lie: HERE

3. C.R.O.C.-o-matic: HERE

4. Declaration of Courtesy: HERE

Announcement: Evange-hellicals Anonymous help available: HERE